I’ve been trying to find the words to help explain what this past week has been like so that people aren’t left guessing about what is going on in my life but it’s been incredibly difficult. For those that may not know, my grandfather passed away last Sunday. One week ago, the world seems to have slowed down or stopped for me and my family (seems crazy it has only been a week). The craziest thing for me is realizing that the rest of the world just kept going when the people that I love were going through something so hard. I suppose that’s good; it reminds you of the resiliency of the Earth (something I typically find solace in as a wannabe yogi). Right now, however, it reminds me of my heart aching.
Two weeks ago, I was gearing up for my 27th birthday. Eric Church was supposed to kick off the weekend’s festivities on Wednesday and I’d taken the rest of the week off just to relax. My parents were supposed to come visit so that my mom and I could go see Phantom of the Opera downtown. We were going to take them to a restaurant none of us had tried so that we could all share in something new together. I was so excited. The concert on Wednesday was amazing; I had such a great time and felt so carefree. The next morning I was nursing a headache and received a phone call from my dad telling me that my grandfather had been admitted into the hospital but it didn’t appear to be too serious. I still expected the weekend to go on as planned. That quickly changed and I was told that I needed to come home. I rang in my 27th year by saying goodbye to a man that had loved me for all the days of my life. All my days. I’m still struggling to bring that into perspective myself. I’ve dealt with death before; I’ve loved both grandparents on my fathers’ side. Those experiences changed me in ways I wasn’t aware of until now and I know that this will change me in more ways than the previous times had. My bubble has been burst. This year is officially the first year of my life where I feel like an adult. Maybe this feeling will pass and I’ll go on my merry way pretending to be protected by an imaginary bubble but I kind of doubt it. The pain of losing someone is more real as you age; you see the depth of their absence. The domino effect of people altered by them being gone is more real too. I’m scared for my grandma and my mom, I’m angry that people can’t live forever, I’m hurt because I won’t get the chance to tell my grandfather things that may have made him proud of me, I have more questions about God and Heaven than I care to admit, and I’m so sad that I won’t be able to tell him I love him anymore while we’re both still present on Earth. It is a lonely, lonely feeling. It has cost me a lot of tears this past week… I’ve somehow managed to cry at moments where I feel sad, happy, frustrated, and joyous (it’s mostly been sudden changes/thoughts/memories/new moments with loved ones that result in tears). I’ve tried to embrace my emotions because Lord knows I cannot fight them. I’m a wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve kind of girl.
I’ve tried to keep some light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve kept myself busy. I’ve begun gathering an arsenal of music for times when I cannot turn off my thoughts or when I feel low. I was sure to support my family through their tough moments along the way. I’ve kept planning for a future at work. My grandpa would have wanted it this way… but it still doesn’t take away the aches. So for now, I think I’ll be working on figuring out what it is like to live in a world where I only have one remaining grandparent (a thought that hurts to much I could scream) and navigating the waters of adulthood. I’m scared. I’m frustrated. I’m sad… Is this real life?
One song has been an odd comfort to me this past week, it seems only fitting that it isn’t a new one:
Turn! Turn! Turn! – The Byrds
To honor my grandfather, for anyone interested, please visit his obituary here.
He was a great man and I will miss him very much.
Lastly, I wanted to extend a very heartfelt thank you to those of you that wished me
a happy birthday and/or gave condolences after the news of my family’s loss.
I appreciate your thoughts and prayers more than I’ll ever be able to put into words.
All my love,