For what seems like my entire life I have been an internalizer (yes, I just made up that word). I have flipped every situation into something about me. A group of my friends argue about something? It’s something I’ve done. Something goes wrong at work? I caused it. A battle of words happens at home between my boyfriend and I? I said/did something to spark the debate. Something stupid I’ve done in the past is brought up? I haven’t grown at all and people still see me as I used to be. Case-in-point, this weekend at a friend’s bridal shower. My time was disrupted by an embarrassing story that was brought up by her mother. The thing about it is… no one but me knew the details behind the remark but I was still so embarrassed that I’ve struggled the last few days with feelings of self adequacy.
Why do I do this to myself? My loved ones remind me on a regular basis that I am a good person but I have a hard time believing them. I’ll be honest, I may have said this in previous posts but I don’t really like the person that I was a few years ago. I didn’t really make the best decisions for myself or my friends and I completely disregarded others’ feelings about my choices. For example, I hurt each of my roommates’ feelings at some point or another and at the time, I shrugged it off as though it was their issue and not mine. Over time, I’ve realized that this way of thinking caused a lot of distrust in my life– coming from my friends and coming from me to others and that’s where I am now. I’ve put myself in a place of doubt. It’s a daily battle I have to try to overcome. The truth is, I have grown up and I have become a better person than I used to be and I am proud of that. I struggle when reminders of a former life come up because I’ve done the due diligence to remedy the situation. I think all of my ranting on this post really is just a heartfelt plea to help me forgive myself. I know it is a challenge I must inevitably overcome on my own but support from everyone else wouldn’t hurt, you know?
I wanted to end my rant with a few positive thoughts about myself. I lived through the idiotic stage of my life and have decided to come out as a better woman and for that, I am proud. I love my quick witted sarcasm. I love that I can recover quickly from a hot temper (which gets me through a lot of misunderstandings when I feel as though I’ve been wronged and I haven’t really). Also, I am empathetic of others’ feelings now so more than I ever have been because of my sensitivity to it and because I’ve put other people through pain. I’ve risen above… I just have to remind myself when I’m feeling a bit low.
My sincerest thank you’s go out to you for reading my rants. I’ve decided that this is officially the first of many Seinfeld-like posts; I may call the series “Posts About Nothing”. But oh, what an incredible medicine writing things down can be!
– POSTS ABOUT NOTHING –