So I’ve hit that stage in my life when everyone seems to be taking the next step. I have found myself (at times) almost sad that my life doesn’t seem to be following in their tracks. At twenty six (getting nearer to twenty seven than I’d care to admit), it seems like I “should” have approximately 1.5 fiance(s)/husband(s), 0.5-1 child, 2 dogs, an SUV that is no later than 3 years old, a home that isn’t decorated with anything from IKEA, and a fat paycheck every week that allows me to care for my white picket fence flock of people and things. The reality is, I have none of these things. I have friends that are either married or halfway down the aisle, pregnant, and some that are independently wealthy. I find myself jealous of their lives and their accomplishments. I thought by now that I’d at least know that I had a solid and transferrable career; meaning I could go from one location to the next and still be able to find a role in the same type of job the way that a teacher or physician can. The reality is, I don’t have this and the realization that my life hasn’t gone in exactly the direction I had envisioned for myself as a little girl brings me great anxiety. It brings up questions that I really shouldn’t be thinking like “WHY don’t I have these things? ” or “WHAT have I done wrong?” and it’s just not healthy for me.
NEWSFLASH— my self confidence comes and goes with the wind and thoughts
like this are Earth shattering for my sense of self (and I end up feeling/looking like this:)
This journey was all about finding myself and feeling content with what I do have but I find myself envious of others and not focusing on the good in my life. As you can imagine, it creates a snowball effect where I find other things that aren’t quite up to the standard I’ve envisioned and I harpoon on the negatives. It’s frustrating for me so I can only imagine how frustrating it is for my loved ones. The only time my feelings start to even out is when I allow myself to just stop and not think. This is usually personal time that I have set aside for myself and it usually takes place during a long run where I can sit back and smell the roses (literally) to see that my life is actually quite beautiful. Being your own worst critic is so damaging if you can’t control the negative thoughts in your own head. I feel a bit trapped and right where I started when I started this blog. I don’t have a plan for overcoming all of these thoughts. I’ve looked in to meditation and yoga but can’t find a yoga studio that focuses on mind-body the way that I’d like it to. I’ve picked up a few self-help books (as embarrassing as that is) along the way but never seem to read them. We’ll see what the next few months have for me… I’m really hoping to focus on the good because honestly, I can’t keep this up for much longer.
If you have any advice or examples of how you let go I’d love
to hear them so please feel free to share.
Endnote — I did find this video incredibly helpful in the moment. Take the time to watch, it sums up the twenty-something battle quite nicely. Some beautiful takeaways from this video: “What you achieve inwardly will change your outer reality.” and “When you lose sight of belief in yourself, you’re done for.” (what a thing to remember!)